Why God Why?

Why does everything mean everything when you are down? Songs seem to mean everything, things that usually wouldn't matter to you suddenly becomes ultimately sensitive...and everything else that goes wrong suddenly gets to you.

It all started last Saturday, all of a sudden, my internet died. It came back on after 5 mins, but at a 56kb level. Its been like that ever since.

Felt rotten on Sunday. Thought I'd feel better after seeing that three year old Rinpoche..but in the sweltering heat, all he did was do some weird faces at me and then began to "man chang"/or manja or what ever.

Tot of heading to the gym to workout my stress, didnt work out well. Ended up pulling a muscle. Went to the sauna ..but couldnt stand the heat.

Woke up late on monday, arrived at work late. Got screwed by the boss. UD line had to stop production cause someone switch suppliers of a stock item which couldnt perform. Most parties got screwed. Phone died today.

At the meeting, my boss FFKed (ditched me) leaving me in the deep end of the pool with 15 taichi experts throwing all the blame at maintenance. Had to swallow everything they gave to me. On the way home, a car infront of me hit the emergency brakes, I had to brake as well, was an inch from paying my first car repair bill.

Felt really down, went for salsa class to cheer myself up...it helped a lil..for a while.

This morning I woke up late but manage to get out of the house 5 mins earlier. Nevertheless the jam was worse than yesterday. My supervisor is on leave to day. I have to settle a nego appointment. But my CPR was not signed. Went to look for the DIrector incharged, but she left the building just a few minutes before i reached. Wanted to check if my fax was in, Secretary was not in.

Now im here sulking and cursing at myself, for having such a horrible week. What a way to end my 22nd year on Earth. Oh God, What are you trying to tell me? Why are you making me suffer? Did I do anything wrong in my past life? If so please have mercy on my soul and spread it out evenly.

All this pain is really getting to me. I don't know how much longer can I smile at my colleagues and tell them that I'm okay. If my luck continues to falter, I'd be dead by the end of the week.

A fortune teller once said that I'd always face problems when Im with my mom and she will always have the best luck when Im with her. And it switches when we are apart.

Dont believe? but it happens every single time, the facts are there how can one prove it wrong? She mentioned something else that also came true but I dont wanna talk about it...Just one more revelation to go but its a fork just like the prophecies in Terry Goodkind.

I want to make it work, Muse always said i was too soft. Perhaps its a sign to harden up. I have no more amor left on me, and ive never even tasted blood yet. Is this the end, will my cup which i always took everyone else's tea and "Yum seng"ed be finally broken...

Im back in the black sphere from 10 years ago, once cracked, a window i peeked out, now resealed, im all alone..in pain as im doomed to stay knowing that theres haven outside the black sphere that I can never reach...

Please...change my fate, let this that has happen pass..erase my memory and let me start anew.. as I never knew suffering, hate, anger, greed, lust, envy....

Giving and letting go, giving and letting go..O Great Shyakamuni how did you do it? Second time is more painful then the first..

I think i just need a hug... and a pat..sigh.. But if one more thing happens, just 1...i think i'm gonna go mad...Im gonna go berserk!!