Is it just me or Rats in particular...?

I return from a long vacation, filled with networking, adventure and well...wanderlust. But As I returned, a sense of turmoil began ravaging my body. As such power is expelled from the vessel, the vessel will experience emptiness in return.

A weakness that makes one sensitive by touch ...as well as mind. It made me wonder deep in thought of how my life has gone and what I have achieved so far...

I have always been living in the shadows of others. Uncles and aunts always know me by my brother's name or relate me to him. I am always second and below, never first in school or running as I either did not want fame or could not achieve it at all. And when I do win, it is because the first person forfeited. Everything in my life, from the clothes to the perks that I enjoy is not originally worked by me, or given for me. I am always second in line, what RPGers know as 'the son of a Hero'.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the perks and my life,I have lived an immortals life, but it pains me to know that I will always get things not under my own accord.

And believe me i've tried. Learning musical instruments, self-defense courses, everything I've tried never usually finishes. Will I be able to achieve something that I can be proud of? When can I be respected as myself and not be the shadow of someone else?

I sit here this morning suffering a massive jetlag, drained to the bone, unable to move or sleep... and so I do what I can only do, write, write like the confused person unable to choose between blood and the freshest mountain water ever tasted. Will there be a time that I can call one 'my own and know that it is no one elses?

Or perhaps the change of mindset should start from inside me? to accept graciously everything that comes into life.

'An immortal is measured not by how long he lived (That is just absurd), but by his capacity to love.' This is explained in the song by Queen 'Who wants to live forever'. To live in a world of mortals. If you give your heart to one, he/she will definitely grow old and die. But as an immortal, you will live on. And there will come a time where you can no longer bare loving another, as the feeling of losing one's heart again and again will drive one mad. You would no longer want the perk of living forever, even if it gives you the chance to see the future. You will no longer want to be indestructible for you know that a world without love is meaningless.

Even as a mortal, it pains to see a love one leave the world. For you know that you will miss the person. Some would wish they'd never met or loved as it would ease the pain or have no pain at all. Others would cherish the time that one lived but would foreva be in one's memory and never return.

I for one am not good at mind games and don't know how to react to traps. And so I have lived a cautious life, never giving my heart out to anyone. In return, I lived a nomadic life without purpose and commitment. But because of that, I developed a keen eye on things, tricks and trades by observation. With one clue, I can tell that something is wrong. Problem is, I don't know what to do with it. So I usually put a blind eye and act I never saw anything. Its always best for everyone. Usually everyone but me.

My journey to Australia, made me realize that I had to come out of the shell and be burnt. I already have, but can I withstand this wildfire that I have for so long been protected from? I will continue...to see what happens, But I don't know how well I can take this...but I guess I have to start somewhere.